I miss you.

And if the end were to come and your fiery eyes burn out my retinas, would I be so blind that I could no longer see the blade of your words rendering my soul? I fear I wouldn't, and while you take up with you all those who have lived their lives in abandon, would I even notice? Would you call it love, to live for you out of fear, of destruction, or an eternal darkness? I wouldn't.
I remember when you told me about the fire that burns out the impurities, but when the coal burned to ash and smoke had finally settled. I was angry because what I had before, I thought it was better. I failed you, through the furnace, instead of lifting of my voice in worship, I cursed you, and wished I had died in it. Now I am helpless, and my will is to doubt you. What was it all for, because I've never felt so distant from you.
A long line of lessons learned, and to you, my lord, I will always return. Though the fear of you never recognizing me again. That when i die, you will simply say, who is this?
I need to know that you are there, because the dreams I have prove to be night-terrors. And If there is a reason for this at all, please let me know. Because the darkness in my heart has overtaken my soul.

Montana

Ask a question, then give it up. No use pondering it because it will show it self in time.  I move on, and find myself, in a quiet room, over looking this lake. It feels so wrong to have it all to myself. I want the rest of the world to know, that I am here. Though in the silence, I am left with the trees looking down at me from the mountains. I am humbled to know, how small I really am. 

For years, now I have wanted to be here. Though never did I realize why. Following my dream, as the fool I am. Here I sit, restless, tired, wanting to not want. Yet, my head wants to leave, though I tell myself to stay. Why am I here? There’s more to this than just my own desires, "We're here to learn" though its hard to say, what I am being taught. I can get caught up, in routine. Life was easier, when I had routine. What's there to learn in this silence? 

I think about things as things are, seeing reality for what it is, and it makes me laugh. My body aches, my eyes, tired. My head is full of places to go, and a foreign woman to love, but I don't want them, for the sake of good food and a beautiful woman. No, I am stronger than I ever been, my hands don't betray me, as they used to. I am stronger, and healthier now. Though, everyday and every night, I think of the one, whom I am to protect, though, she is not here, nor there. She is only in my head, maybe. I am a fool for wanting her, yes a fool, because she is not here. I am love, and my eyes show it. I am eager to learn, and don't care who knows it. It shows itself, because I am aware that, I know nothing.

I am a warrior, who is eager to fight, a murderer of dragons who dare to bite. I'll stay here, and move on when they are all dead. My path is illuminated through the days and through the long nights. I'm a dreamer of dreams, and no one can really understand what that means. Maybe it really is all just universal connectivity. I’m grounded, and secure, as my path narrows, my heart loves me more, and takes me through the worst of dangers. I overcome, because of my might, though it is not because of I. No, it is through the breath that lives inside, and that refines my soul, this breath I hold onto, until its time for me go. Even then, I am, sure of nothing. Maybe, because this world of late, says people like that are just crazy. Though, I am strong, and independent, without brothers and sisters we could never ascend it. I'm a reacher, a be'er, an illuminated seeker. I hold fast and I am faithful, even when they are doubtful. I am not dogmatic, or stagnant, truth seeking, I am always at it. I am like a Jedi, who says press onto the light. This power is good and I use it for right. I’ve learned, that people who judge you, have too much time to think, I am the MVP, when it comes to the power to just be. Because I know, that’s where we should be, in the moment, you and me.

Chained to the internet.

In the Garden of Eden, there lived a man named Adam and a woman, named Eve. Eve, was a 10, because there was no competition. But some sources say she might of been of 7 which is still really good. Adam was out walking his dog, or maybe chewing on a tooth pick to curb his nicotine addiction and all the whlie, Eve gets on the internet and starts browsing around, she realized that everything she wanted to know whether it be a true or false is written out on host blog sties and Google. At this point with all this new knowledge that she gained just by the click of a finger, she was filled with new ideas, theologies, new places to visit and new languages to learn. But being overwhelmed by so many things to do, she decided she should let Adam hop on and see for himself.

I watched post after post, threads where people tare each down because they have an opinion. If you want my opinion, your opinion can go take a hike. 

Contemplation of Change

Stories are great, and the ones I like are the ones that inspire us. I have walked over 1200 miles, and met hundreds of people. All who have had extraordinary stories experiences, and if met, you will find yourself challenged to go seek harder after yours. I love stories, and love watching friends go out, seeking theirs. What I love the most is when I see the difference in change. No doubt, our lives effect those around us and those who hear of our victory and defeats, but ignorance is bliss so even when heard, mans pride keeps them exactly where it wants it.  On a long wide path, with escalators, shopping malls and shiny television screens to distract you from the long road you've been on. This road has enough room for all mankind to walk on, straight to their own demise. Walking a road, traveled by every fool and every rebel, a road that  leads to conformity  apathy, laziness  selfishness, greed and deceit. All the product of hate. I too can be like them and sometimes my actions say "I am not 'like' one of them, I am one of them." Though that is not my heart. 

In my travels I crossed paths with three different monks, all wise by the time spent in mediation of contemplation of what is real and what is not. It makes me think of my favorite quote, and it is this. "The inward reality is not a reality at all, until there is an outward expression."-Richard Foster.  

So what is real? Anything that has been outwardly expressed? Your pride? Your ego? We all have it or at least the illusion of it. However we manifest it everyday, because this is a universe of unlimited possibilities. We choose to manifest our ego, our pride through  actions, words and body language. So my questions is this, Why? Why do do we manifest our egos, through our bodies, when in the end, it is the very thing that allows our souls to become toxic and sick? 

Here is my answer, stress. 

Think about what stress will do to a person inwardly. When someone is caring so much about any one thing, it becomes toxic and immediately your body is effected and an environment inside you is born encouraging the growth of ego, cancers, disease, and all other sicknesses. Truthfully I tell you, care for nothing. For all belongs to our father. His breath is ours and in us,  and when we speak words, they have the power to create. So speak words of light, love and encouragement, do not be a slanderer. But speak truthfully, for a wise man will recognize his folly, but a fool stays blind to his own ignorance.

And on "we" go

I noticed today, that when im hiking, I often talk to myself or my body as a third person. It made me think, well my body does have a mind of its own, what the flesh wants and what the mind wants are usually two different things. So on "we" go my body and I, "I", being the crazy guy talking to his body in the third person. I guess a few hundred miles by yourself will do that to you.
*cough* golem *cough*

Today I made it to Sierra City which is mile 1197.6. Woohoo right? It is exciting but there are two fires which is not unusual for this time a year. Normally being the wannabe tough guy I think I am, I would try to walk around it or through it, but apparently that within the last 3 days the amount of forest burned by this fire was doubled, head north-west, where Im going. So this leaves me with two options...  Go home, or hitch around it. Because, the words quit, cannot, and failure are rarely used in my vocabualry, I will hitch around it, victoriously.  The plus-side to hitch-hiking, is you usually meet people who end up inspiring you, rather the other way around.
I called my buddy Chris the other day, on the trail, just so I could talk video games with him, it went straight to voicemail, so I talked anyways. It's crazy how when I was younger, games with adventure and mystery were my games of choice and of coarse, I liked shoot em up games. Thats part of the reason why I signed up with the navy 4 years ago, but was denied do to a pass misdemenor, of a DUI. So here I am, 4 years later, in some town I may never be in again and Im talking about adventure.
I loved games where I could get on horse back, or in a car and wonder all over the map, finding little easter eggs that would spark my imagination. Turns out, life has easter eggs of its own; metaphorically speaking of coarse. Since life is not a video game, those easter eggs taste even better. Reality, is beatiful, and at times is hard to take, but its those hard times, which define us. I think, maybe thats why I liked video games, risk was hard, so why not just sit in front a computer and not risk anything... Except your life.
When I think about all those wasted hours, days, possibly months, I think to myself what I could of really been doing. Following my own God given passions. Passions that require sweat, blood, and tears. I had to fugure it out on my own, or maybe I didn't figure it out on my own but maybe, I was shown a better life, a real life, where when you stop...You hear silence, but wait, is that wind you hear? Or could that be a river just down the ridge? Lets go find out, shall we?

Weighty legs and big shoes

I say, it's about time, we all come back around to old passions and hobbies, this one being writing, I havnt attempted to write in some time now so please forgive me. 

The last time I attempted an update, in hopes to give family friends and supporters some inside news on my life, I ended up deleting the post as soon as it was finished. It was horrible. 

I spend a lot of time by myself and it is good. When you simplify your life to the basic necessities, the other things of this world lose and gain much value all at once. Like electricity, plumbing and housing. Those things remain part of "the real world." And the "real world" is nothing like the world Iv'e become part of. Many mornings I find myself opening my eyes to an early morning sun, the sound of a creek smashing on through the night comes into my conscious mind as my ears turn up the volume into my waking life. I'm usually not tired and eager to greet the new day though on my way to the stream to get some fresh mountain water, I think to myself, "How many miles can I put between me and this spot right here?" Only time ever tells. People ask me what my schedules like. I try not to laugh, not because I don't have one but because there is no need for one. some people pace themselves and try to make 17.5 miles exactly. Not this guy, this is my hike, I start the day when I feel like it and I hike until I'm done. That's right, all based on how I feel. The way I see, its all part of being, worry free, care- free. Not wanting, just being. I know that everything I need is out there or on my back.

In the real world, things are different. Having to hitch your way into the town, always having to apologize in advance for the way you smell and all of a sudden your running on other peoples time. It can get you amped up enough to hurry back on the trail. Sometimes however you don't get that privileged, like when your resupply package gets mailed a week late and you are stranded having to depend on the kindness of others. In "the real world" where things arnt simple and everything, complicated and concrete.

Each time I get to a town, there is a re-occurring question I ask myself that seems to beam out of my sub- conscious. This question always leads to a familiar excite as my heart leaps in wonderlust. That question being "Are you ready to get off the trail?" Never has the answer been yes, even when dealing with an infection on my right foot and a blister that looked like the continent of Africa (and about just as big) on the other, never did I feel ready to leave the Pacific Crest Trail. 

This is an expample of HYOH, which is the golden rule of the PCT and adopted to my rule of life and stands for Hike Your Own Hike. Don't allow yourself to fall victim of someone who rules your life. You rule your life, you live your life, you hike your own hike. Try it if you haven't yet.

Bascially life on the trail is simple and hard. There is a lots of sweat, times when you get so fed up with yourself and the thoughts that go through your head, or that one horrible song that get stuck in your head and you cant get it out. You might find yourself singing Macy Gray at the top of your lungs when you just finished a 31mile day and setting up camp, or you might not, but I guarantee whatever songs that have been stuck in your head, I've had worse.

PCT Gear list Update Feb 27th

Sleep Gear

√ Bivy Sack  REI

√ Sleeping Bag  REI

√ Silk liner Bag REI

√ Z-lite Therma Rest Sleeping Pad REI

Eat Gear

√ Camp Stove  Millers Mountain Sports

√ Titanium Pots and Pans  Backcountry.com

√ Eating Utensils

Wear Gear

 √ Trail Running Shoes X5 REI

   Polyester Socks Cosco

 √ Pants X1 REI 
 √ Shorts X1 REI

   T-Shirt REI

√ Long underwear top Sports Authority

√ Long underwear bottom Sports Authority

√ Hardshell Jacket REI

√ Ultra Light Down Coat REI

Trek Gear

√ Ultra LightHiking Backpack  REI 

√ Trekking Poles  Backcountry.com

Hygiene

√ Camp Towel Shamwow

√ Tooth Brush and Paste

First Aid and Survival Gear

√ Knife

√ Guy line

√ Compass

   Mirror

√ F-Aid Kit Backcountry.com